2016, here I come!

There's been a few new years in the span of last few months. A new academic year, which meant coming back to Oxford and embarking on a journey through my final year; a new liturgical year with the Year of Mercy. And now it's the new calendar year, 2016.

I made a list of 12 books I want to read this coming year. I'm not sure if I can realistically get through all of them, but I started the first one, Anna Karenina, already because, gosh, this is a thick book. Though really good, everyone should read it. Frankly, this is my third attempt at it, because each time I start reading it, something drags me away from the book. But this time I'm determined. Besides Tolstoy, I also have Zusak, Carroll, Christie and Bennett on my list. Good and demanding literature.

Instead of making vague resolutions, I want to make a plan. With my swimming and Zumba incorporated, so that I don't have to make ad hoc decisions as to when to go to the leisure centre. And I have three things to guide me in 2016 (and thereafter):

TAKE CARE

CELEBRATE OTHERS

BE CONTENT

I want to take cake of myself, so that everything else will have space to fall into place. Take care of my body, mind and spirit. No binge eating of pecan cookies, binge watching Parks and Recreation, ignoring my exercise schedule. But at the same time I want to be kind to myself. There's no point beating myself up because I'm not perfect.

Celebrating others is hugely important to me. Making time to actually see people, feed them and talk is a challenge for me, but I know that if you really care, you always find time. I would love to have many meaningful conversations.

And, most importantly, I want to be content. Content with what I have. This doesn't mean settling for what I got and leaving it like that, but rather living in the present. I sometimes feel that everything is about tomorrow, it's the busiest day of the week! But I can be happy and content now. And this is what I want.

Nativity Scenes in Krakow.

The tradition of making nativity scenes (szopki) goes back to 19 century in Krakow, when it has been formalised in 19th century.* Each year people make those really elaborate constructions showing the birth of Jesus and this is quite amazing. It takes dedication to make them, especially the big ones (and those are at least 1.2m high) and the tiniest ones, when you need to use tweezers to get all the parts together. It was actually my first time in years when I went to see the szopki and it was surprisingly enjoyable. I'm not a big fan of museum trips, unless it's an archaeological museum, but it was fun. It's sweet that people cultivate the tradition, chapeau bas, because it does take a lot of thinking, time and effort, people spend the entire year making the szopki, you need to love it to do it.

Below, I share some of the nativity scenes I liked in particular.

Krakow demands access to the sea!

This is not pretty, but there is so much going one in here, all things piled up, all the tin foil and excessive number of figurines! Love it!

This one was absolutely tiny, made on a honey plaster with optical fiber all around.

* Want to know more? See here and here.

Getting ready for Christmas.

Christmas tree is ready, all the baking has taken place already, hovering is done and I've packed all the presents. Except a few bits and bobs to sort out tomorrow morning, now it's only waiting for the birth of Jesus.

My Advent was a bit of a roller coaster, with a lot of ups and downs,mostly downs, with plenty of flat periods in between and a handful of ups. But I'm thankful for that. I've come to realise many things. Or rather I was clearly shown that I can do better. I hope to be able to it on board and change something. There's a lot that could be better in my life if only I made some small steps in a different direction. This sort of goes to my New Year's goals. I have a few in mind, but I'll leave it for the time being.

In the meantime, happy Christmas! May it be a time of blessed hope and joy for you!

“Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord."

 Luke 2, 10-11

My term (almost) without meat.

I tried to go vegetarian a couple of years ago and it was a total failure. I was hungry all the time and generally not determined enough to keep it up in the face of delicious meat options.

This time, it was different. I've actually really enjoyed my diet this term. Meat has appeared on my plate only a handful of times, though I still keep some fish in the menu, but will try to phase it out next term. I definitely got some more variety in my meals: butternut squash peanut curry, stir-fires, potato and leek pie, pear and Stilton tart, veggie pasta sauces, fennel risotto... These were are delicious and filling. However, kidney bean burgers were a failure on both occasions when I attempted to make them, but maybe next time I'll be more successful. 

I'm really looking forward to making black bean spinach enchiladas and maybe I'll have enough courage to make something with tofu. I still stay away from falafel: I like it a lot, but when I tried to make it from scratch it was major disaster, even more so than the kidney bean burgers.

Admittedly, being a vegetarian is inconvenient, especially if you spend a lot of time with meat-eaters. It requires some planning, because I cannot simply heat up some hot dogs, but it is healthier for me. And for the environment too. I'm not sure about arguments for vegetarianism of a sort that it is cruel and painful for the animals. It probably it, though we still have more humane methods of killing food than a few centuries ago. I probably wouldn't like to kill my food with my own hands anyway. But I do worry about the planet, we produce so much meat these days, and it is simply not sustainable. You might think what sort of a difference I make as a single person, but if each one of us decided not to eat meat on a single day each week, the impact would be huge. But the choice is yours.

I'm not one of those fighting vegetarians who will keep telling you that it is one and only proper way to live, but it's worth looking beyond our own little lives and see the bigger impact we make. There's 7bn of us. We do make a huge impact with our daily choices.

Jingle bells.

My Christmas wish this year is that somebody else do the Christmas shopping for me.

Honestly, having spent over 4 hours of my life browsing through shops, I despair. The shelves are overflowing with stock, and yet I could not find a single gift to give to my family and friends. This is just ridiculous at this point.I might actually just spend one hour searching for stuff online and get it in this way, will probably be more time-efficient.

The thing it, I can't just get anything. I want to get something personal for everyone. Gifts should be meaningful, shouldn't they? Buying socks or chocolates will not do.*


So I'm still stuck with Christmas presents, trying to figure out what to get for everyone. I would love to make some gifts myself, but there simply isn't enough hours in the day for me to do it. Hopefully next year will be less hectic and I'll be able to carry on my tradition of making cards and so on. In the mean time, online gift shops it is. Woohoo!


* Although I do love both socks and chocolates.

Sunday Special: The Art of Waiting.

I'm a very inpatient person. This is why I find it extremely hard to focus on any given task if there is something lined up ahead. It can be anything from something grand to something completely stupid. A visit to a theatre or a baking spree. A meeting with a long-unseen friend or a shopping trip. I know this is very bad and I would be better off just focusing on one thing at the time, but it's difficult sometimes.

We are just entering Advent today and Advent is traditionally called a time of waiting. The problem with waiting is, however, that most of us is doing it wrong. I really do recommend reading this, it's a beautiful text on what waiting really should be like. As Father Henri writes:

"We can only really wait if what we are waiting for has already begun for us. So waiting is never a movement from nothing to something. It is always a movement from something to something more."

Here's the thing. When I impatiently wait for something, I sort of assume that that something is in the future, that now is somewhat deficient. So by waiting for the future, present is completely missed. I don't pay attention. I just want to move on. It seems that in the world that constantly wants us to do something and get somewhere, we've completely lost the art of waiting. The art of being patient, attentive, still.

So this Advent, I want to try to wait in the present. Do one thing at the time. Enjoy now. Because good things start now. In fact, they are already here. I just need to notice them.

Number game.

So apparently I'm in the list position when it comes to dating. The numbers are simply against me. At least according to this article here: http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/nov/10/dating-gap-hook-up-culture-female-graduates

Would I date someone without a degree? I admittedly shivered at this thought at first, and I feel really bad about it, but actually, after thinking it through, it's not a degree that I'm really after.

My experience so far ranges from a guy who terribly struggled at school, and I'm not really sure where you got with his education by now to a guys reading for fantastic degrees, but showing varying interests in them, and different variations on the theme in between. And all of these relationships have left me with some unsatisfied need. It had nothing to do with their education. Being at Oxford, I have plenty of young and educated men here (sometimes even attractive!) and I'm not really that keen on dating any of them. There's nothing wrong with these guy's (or, me, hopefully, for that matter). It's just that they're all sort of the same. And they have the same idea about the future: get a good class degree and find a well-paid job in the City. There's nothing wrong with having a job in the city either, but I expect something... I don't know, less boring? More crazy? Of a sort of 'let's move to the Isle of Wight and start a pug farm!'

Intelligence doesn't necessarily follow a degree, and vice versa. And it's intelligence that I expect in my other half. And passion. For anything. But some sort of passion, that will make his heart race, that will make him want to get out of bed in the morning. And this is actually quite difficult to find these days, because people are somewhat indifferent and missing interest in anything worthwhile. And here the numbers are definitely more against me.

Maybe, since the numbers are against me anyway, I should just move to the Isle of Wight on my own and start the pug farm?

Or maybe I'll just prove statistics wrong.

All the freebies.

Over the course of the last few weeks I have worked at a few career fairs. I must say I do appreciate the opportunity to do some more physical work every now and then. Running up and down the stairs carrying boxes and pushing a trolley around is quite tiring, but it's also rather satisfactory once everything is set up, all the exhibitors are there and the first visitors are let in- everything comes together.

The best part of it is probably all the freebies and there was plenty. Apart from classic pens and notebooks (good quality ones though!) I got a kitchen timer, a giant tea cup, a usb stick, mini torch, jelly beans, Ben's Cookies (!!!) and a spork. Oh, and I would have forgotten about a rubber duck.

I always wonder how the decision as to what sort of promotional materials you give out are made. I mean, why would you give out a rubber duck if you're a consultancy firm? Or a torch as a law firm? At least pens and post-it notes are actually useful to students, but some of the things I've seen were really random. Not sure whether it is a good way about marketing. Unless you pair it up with Ben's Cookies. Anything is great if paired up with Ben's Cookies. But otherwise, if it's something really random, I don't think it works in company's favour.

In any case, I've had a lot of fun during those fairs. There's something really nice about doing something very different than reading a law textbook. And meeting a lot of interesting and fun people. I was actually surprised how much I've enjoyed it, because on some days I really felt like I couldn't be bothered to go there and do all this work, but at the end of the day I was really happy, though terribly tired. Good tiredness, when you know you've done a good job.

Sunday Special: "What do you want me to do?"

Coming back to Jesus after a long break is not easy. Maybe it wasn't 20 years of a break, but long enough to make it difficult. But despite being far from the Church, there is this longing inside of me which somehow draws me to God, even when things go terribly wrong. It's quite extraordinary really.

I have two favourite images from the Bible. The first one is when Jesus comes into the temple and throws all the merchants' tables over in terrible anger. There is something very empowering in this, because God Himself shows His human side. And it's ok to be human. To have all these weaknesses, even to get angry and throw tables over sometimes.

The second one is when Jesus heals blind Bartimaeus. Before he does anything, though, he asks 'What do you want me to do for you?' This question has been with me since my first year at uni and regularly comes back to me in prayer. I think many people have these moments when they are completely hopeless, when everything falls apart and the future doesn't look bright at all. In such moments I tend to instinctively turn to prayer and cry out 'God, do something! I can't deal with it myself any more!' But then this crucial question comes in: 'What do you want me to do for you?' What is it that will make you truly happy?

I've asking myself this question quite a lot recently. The answer has not appeared quite yet, but I think I'm heading in the right direction.

Bag it.

The world has not ended. There hasn't been any major disaster. I haven't seen people crying in despair. Despite what the media have foreseen, we're just fine. After a month with 5p plastic bag charge, everything is fine.

I must say I am a big fan of this charge, in fact I'd ban all plastic bags from the shops. At this point there is not a single plastic bag in the house. I have multiple reusable bags in various shapes and sizes, including my beloved cheese bag and life seems to go on quite well.

Plastic bags are convenient, but I think we've reached the point where convenience should stop being prioritised over what is truly good for us. Plastic bags are one of those things that you are really keen to take, but then you never want to use them again, so they get under your kitchen sink, the place of eternal damnation in the house, or, much worse, end up on the streets, blown away by the wind.

We need to start looking after our planet properly. Starting with all these plastic bags is a good move, maybe then we could take care of overproduction of waste in general. Do you know how much rubbish you produce? I am amazed by the amount of waste produced in my house, especially the waste that cannot be recycled. It is unnecessary really. But when you go to a supermarket everything is packed in some sort of plastic packaging, a large proportion of which is non-recyclable. This bothers me a lot. I wish we could go back to the times where there were no supermarkets, where people could easily buy local fruit and veg and place it in their own cotton bag or a basket. Without the plastic packaging and all this add-on stuff that is completely unnecessary.

I'm trying to be more aware of how my life influences the environment. Maybe if one person changes their behaviour it won't make much of a difference, but I believe that if each one of us changes something small, the impact can be great. Do not take the plastic bag from the shop. Buy in bulk to reduce the amount of packaging. Buy fair trade. Support local farmers. Whatever it might be, just do it. We need to start this change somewhere, don't we?

This is a very interesting talk on living a zero-waste life. It might seem to be going a little too far to actually reduce your waste to zero, but I think there's a lot to learn from this girl's experience.

Click, click, click!

I urge you to play this video while reading the post below, to get fully embraced by the topic.

 

I hand write my notes in lectures and seminars, simply because my attention drifts away if I type on my laptop. However, most of the people on the course use their electronic equipment for these purposes. The moment the lecturer opens his mouth, their fingers start a race across the keyboard. It sounds as if a swarm of bees entered the room. Apparently some people listen to typing sounds to relax*, but for me it has a completely opposite effect. It freaks me out. Especially that people type so much! What on earth do they type? I sat in the very same lecture, made a half-page of notes while others have been typing almost constantly for the entire hour! I know that some of this typing was very important facebook messages, but still. Do they type up the lecture verbatim? Am I missing something important, because I don't write until my hand wants to detach from the rest of my body? Or should I be happy what an efficient note-taker I am?

Laptops should be banned in lecture theatres and seminar rooms. The sound of typing is distracting, if nothing else. Sometimes, when I'm not sat at the front,  I can't even hear the lecturer properly because 100 odd people bang on their keyboards. Plus, seeing other people's screens with all the distracting stuff up there (amazon, twitter, facebook, news sites, ebay, reddit, you name it) is not helping to concentrate on what is going on in the lecture.

Instead, why don't we get back to a good old pen and paper? Low cost and, most importantly, quiet. (Good practice for exams as well, it's important to train your hand to write, without auto-correct.) Sometimes old-fashioned methods are better than the new ones. I believe this is so with note-taking. You simply don't pay as much attention to what you type as you do when you write. There's also apparently such a thing as muscle memory, so if you write something with your own hand, you'll retain it better. Apparently writing in blue ink also helps. I'm no memory scientist, but there is something in all of this. I do notice that I retain material better if it's hand-written. And, oh yes, we'll also avoid this terrible noise during lecture. I'd really appreciate that actually.

*This is actually a thing. When I was looking for a video to accompany this post, hundreds of entries came up on youtube. People actually do record themselves typing things up on different types of keyboards, you can find all sorts of videos from short 3-minute ones to some dragging for hours (I'm serious). I would never have believed anyone could consider typing sound as something relaxing, but people claim that it calms them down. Peculiarities of the human brain.

Madly in love. Dumped. Freedom, here I come. Repeat.

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/oct/17/why-do-i-keep-getting-dumped 

This article just hit the nail on the head. It's always happens to me: after roughly 6-8 months of a relationship, I get dumped (or occasionally dump myself), despite everything going well up until that point. Despite me being a dream girlfriend: baking cake, keeping fit, washing socks, organising trips and weekends away, tolerating crazy family of my second half, participating in random social events which I hate, but somehow feel obliged to join, cooking dinners, taking him to cultural events. It always happens around a 6-8 month cut-off date, except this one time when the misery sadly lasted the entire three years, although really should have been cut loose halfway through it at the very latest. I could potentially plan my life in these 6-8 month increments. And it is not particularly pleasant to live with.

Maybe I am a victim of today's age and my very own lifestyle. Quite frankly, I do lack stability to form a long-term relationship. Although I do love stability, I even wake up at the same time on every day of the week, regardless on the workload and whether it is a weekday or a weekend. But when opportunity arises, I'm likely to just go for it. I guess this is a benefit of having your family far away anyway: I never consider where to live in terms of closeness to them, because they are 1800 miles away anyway, so my only worry in this respect is how convenient it is to get to the airport. Next year I can end up on the coast or in the middle of Wales, who knows. Funny, after the TF ACs we were talking about where we want to work after graduation and one guy said he was really unhappy that TF takes so long to allocate your region and school. I was perplexed by this, since I am rather excited about the idea of moving to a new place and starting all over. But he wasn't. Because he had a girlfriend and they want to plan life together, which is rather difficult if you're not told where you'll be required to go. It just simply didn't occur to me that it could be an issue for a twenty-something person. And yet, for some, it is. Would I move to the other side of the world for someone I love? Yes, no questions asked. But I would expect the same in return.

My granny always says that the time as a single young lady is the best time of my life, after I commit myself to a married life, that's it. And she's probably right to a large extent. I don't have to be worried whether TF throws me onto the Isle of Wight, deep Cornwall or Yorkshire. Yet, looking at all the couples I know, it seems to easy for them to make it work, while I keep changing boyfriends as some ridiculous rate. I crave intimacy, it might be a part of my problem, because I just throw myself into deep waters of love without much thinking. At the same time: what on earth is wrong with me (when every single guy says that it's not me, it's him). I sort of resolve to just enjoy the moment or, as an alternative, bake and eat cake, but I'm still wondering where this line-up of failed relationships will end. Surely there must be my Prince Charming just round the corner. Right?

Chill miss.

I've been stressing out so much about these upcoming collections that it wasn't healthy at all.

 

Do they count towards anything?

 

No.

 

Would it help if I had a mental breakdown?

 

No.

 

Given the answers to the above two questions, I resolved not to worry about it too much. I've always had not so great collection results, but at the end of the day, it's finals that matter and I'm determined to get myself sorter by then. I will be. In the meantime I might have a serious talk with my tutors, but oh well. What's important now is that I remain positive and have enough energy to get me through this year.

Especially that there are so many exciting things coming up! Tomorrow tea and cake in the Chaplaincy, dinner with my Polish folks, Captain America visiting, Itchy Feet party (anyone wants to join btw?), G&D's treat soon... It actually looks like it might be an entertaining term.

So I'm chilling with my bowl of bolognese. Om nom nom nom

Back in the bubble.

I've been back in Oxford for a couple of weeks now. My new house is absolutely amazing, I love everything about it, even an awkwardly placed shower and rattling radiators. Luckily I got the master bedroom, so I have a lot of space (to spread my papers all over the floor). Posters have all gone up on the walls already, shelves and cupboards have filled in and the only thing that is missing is some fresh flowers.

Work has been rather daunting recently I have to admit, but I take it step by step. Can you imagine that mortgages is something that I find really easy to revise? Juris has been an absolute nightmare, I guess examiners will need to put up with me waffling about nothing in particular in response to their philosophical questions. Somehow I hope that PIL classes will help with this, to get some more conceptual meat to work with.

Good news: I've got a Teach first offer to teach Maths from Sept 2016. This is so exciting... It has been my dream for a while and I'm really really happy. Now there is a stack of formal requirements to get through, it's rather boring and time consuming (and also expensive in some instances), but it needs to be done. I have literacy and numeracy test coming up this week. Literacy is not too bad, I usually do quite well in spelling and grammar parts of practice tests (alleluia for all the boring English classes back in Poland, these definitely pay off now), my punctuation has improved but reading comprehension is lagging behind, I'm probably just overthinking the questions. With numeracy I had to re-train my brain to do mental arithmetic (~20seconds per question which is read out to you). It is quite difficult, because I haven't done maths for so long, and also because I'm admittedly a bit slow in mental calculations. But I'm getting there, improved from 55% to over 80 in a week (still dutifully revising my times tables though).

A note to my younger self.

Dear Kat,

I know you're often anxious and sometimes you're rather list and unsure where your life will take you. I've been there and I felt it. Contrary to what most people try to force onto you, it's ok to be anxious- this is one of the most important things I've learnt so far. You can be scared, crawl under your duvet and cry. Even you need it sometimes, strong as you are. Because you are exceptionally strong and this strength you can find within you.

Don't feel like you need to be perfect at everything or anything for that matter. It's like with your snagle-tooth: it doesn't look perfect at all and yet people are somewhat attracted by it. Perfect doesn't make happy and happiness is something you should be after now. Be happy, Kat. Do whatever makes you smile, because in this short life these will be moments that count. You don't need to worry about the others so much, they'll look after themselves well enough. Find your own path. Don't listen to others' advice, because nobody knows what the hell they're doing, so they cannot lead you in life. But you'll know where to go, just listen to your gut.

And love. Love passionately and till the end as you do. Despite the unpredictability and unsystematic nature of its reward, love is one of a few truly worthwhile things. Love as if there's no tomorrow, give all of yourself. Don't be scared that you get hurt. In all likelihood you will, but pain won't last forever and through relationships you'll learn to be a better person.

Happy birthday Kat. Remember you're blessed.

Your older self.

Quality Relationship.

I feel extremely blessed by my family. Mum and Dad are loving an caring and I have to say that I'm quite content with the quality of our relationship at this stage.

It hasn't always been like that. Never ever has it crossed my mind that my parents didn't love me: I always had their support and they provided me with everything I wanted and needed. But it wasn't a sort of a relationship that you see between Lorelai and Rory in Gilmore Girls. I wouldn't talk to my mum about my first primary school love (or indeed, the second or third, or any of the following) and my dad wouldn't play football with me (partly because neither of us was really a fan of this sport). I remember feeling as if I was missing out on something important in my life, especially seeing for example my best friend having a very close relationship with her mum.

It was only when I hit my twenties when this relationship with my parents evolved into something more like a partnership. I do enjoy my time with them much more than ever before. We talk, we laugh, we drink together - it's like what I wanted so badly when I was younger, just different and thanks to that much better than what I imagined.

Maybe I am still rather reluctant to talk with my mum about my love life. And it's now physically difficult for my dad to play football with me. But instead we are doing so much together. We go to concerts, to the theatre, dad helps me to improve my driving skills and mum is exceptionally helpful when it comes to making impossible appointments.

Although there's still the same big age gap between us, it seems like me being an adult has helped to bridge it. As did me moving to the UK. We're apart for the most part of the year, so we value the time we have together even more. And this, in turn, improves our relationship.

Gilmore Girls dream came true. But in a much better form.

When humanity fails.

What's happening at the moment in Italy, Greece, Hungary and other European countries makes me feel deeply sad. One would have thought that in the 21st century people shouldn't die in trucks or drown trying to cross the Mediterranean. But they do and every day more and more people die en route to the EU. Only today have I seen this heartbreaking picture of a lifeless body of a three year old boy washed ashore.

It make me angry that politicians don't want to take any responsibility for what is happening. Some talks will be held in October, but this is too late, for month no one has dared to suggest a viable solution. In Poland people keep saying that we will be flooded with Muslims who will turn Europe into a Caliphate. As if they couldn't see a human being in those who risk their lives to seek a better life. Politicians are arguing that we cannot receive a mere 2600 refugees out of 350,000 that have reached Europe recently. Paranoia. Of course, I'm fully aware that some of the migrants are not refugees: they're not escaping persecution of any kind but are after better economic condition. But we shouldn't put everyone into the same box. I visited a refugee facility near Warsaw and it wasn't the happiest place I've seen. You wouldn't leave your home and your family for such a place if you had a choice.

The only positive thing that I've seen on tv was a girl in Budapest who comes to the train station every day to entertain children who are waiting there with their parents: she plays with them, gives them colouring books etc. And this is beautiful, one human being reaching out to another human being. Maybe there is still some hope in humanity?

From the land of pasty.

After a long year abroad I finally had a chance to enjoy a well-deserved rest in the South West and it was brilliant. The great British summer has been good to us with surprisingly many sunny days and only a handful of rainy ones (and it let us avoid Polish heatwave). Most importantly, I got to do nothing. Usually our family holidays consist of insane amount of sigh-seeing: this time it was more relaxed with plenty time to rest (this hasn't stopped me from getting up at 7 am each morning though, unfortunately).

I have seen an insane amount of places I've never thought I would have seen in my life. I walked through the biomes at Eden Project, strolled down the Lost Gardens of Heligan, seen Land's End, tasted authentic Cornish pasty, climbed Mont Saint-Michel and explored the South West. But my favourite days were those spent by the seaside. I love the sound of waves - even when the sea is is rough, there's something calming about it. Hopefully I'll be able live somewhere near the sea after I graduate, it would be absolutely delightful to be able to go for an evening walk by the sea, read a book sitting at a harbour and just enjoy myself. In the meantime, I'm making most of my time here.

 

I love teaching!

It's been quiet down here for a while, but Teach First Insight Programme took my whole time. It involved some rather early mornings (including wake up call at 5:50 am to make sure I manage to get to school before 8:30 am) and some very exciting stuff.

First week was largely talks and workshops, but I've picked up so many teaching tricks and ways of looking at education. Second week was more interesting in a way, because I spent four days in a school equipped with a staff pass and a lot of passion. I actually loved being back in school again as a teacher. There's something great about being called 'miss' and walking down the school yard with this sense of importance of some sort (although, as I've learnt the hard way, you need to remember to check your skirt before leaving the loo: in case it gets caught up in your tights and you march quarter of a school yard with your bump exposed. Not very professional at all.) And I just enjoy it so much to be with students and explain things to them. Although I've seen a few grim sights, including a girl saying that she doesn't care about doing work and being terribly rude to the teacher and just general apathy evident in many of the kids there. It's really sad, because most of the teachers do care and do make an effort to facilitate their learning. But overall it was an inspiring experience: I've met a boy who would like to go to Oxford, another one who aspires to be a police officer and it seems that it is for such pupils that it is worth to make an extra effort as a teacher. You will encounter a lot of apathy, but there will be a few who need a little push and will make their dreams come true.

My journey into teaching

Personalised timetable

Preparation for my lesson on probabilities

I think that at this point I'm pretty sure I want to apply for Teach First, actually I'll hopefully get round to it sooner rather than later. It would be fantastic to become a teacher. Maybe I found my vocation? At least a temporary one?

Seaside.

Finally I managed to get to the seaside. I cycled through the dunes, then sat by the sea, went for a barefoot walk along the water and just enjoyed my time. Good way to celebrate the end of my year abroad. It was hot and sunny, and it was one of very few days when I didn't need to worry about anything.

Shame I don't have enough days now to enjoy such moments more. But exciting things are coming up. Teach First insight programme starts next week, and then there's the summer camp. Something to keep myself busy at last. I'm slightly anxious about all these things, because they're so new, but I'm positive. Getting out of my box is scary, but I will learn a lot I feel. And I'll have fun. I need it now more than ever.

Year abroad roundup.

That's it then. My year abroad is over and I'll soon pack up my suitcase and go on some summer adventures.

It's been an interesting year. I've accumulated some knowledge which hopefully will be useful next year. I've overcome my fears, even though flying is still not my favourite, I can probably handle it now.I've become a theatre director, explored Zumba and found peace in a colouring book for adults. I had plenty of time catch my breath after two year of Oxford marathons, plenty of time to bake, read and drink cup after cup of tea. I've learnt a lot about myself: about who I am, what's important for me and what I would like to do in life.

I became closer to my sister. I had six months of the best relationship in my life. If this wasn't love, then I don't know what is. Now I know how to recognise substitutes for which I'll never settle. Even though there's a lot of pain and tears I need to get through now, I hope I'll manage to gather the pieces together at some point and be happy.

Do I regret going away for a year? Not at all. Quite frankly, I had the best time of my life here. I missed Oxford, all the friends there and the rhythm of life I was used to, but in Leiden I've experienced some of my happiest moments.

But I'm actually glad to be leaving. Captain America made Leiden special for me, but now is the time to move on, I don't belong here. For the next month or so I'll be in and out of the Netherlands and after that I'll need to deal with my stacks of books and notes (- take to Ox - sell on - throw away -), pack up all the accumulated postcards, posters, pictures and other memorabilia, sort out transport and I'll be on my way home. At last.

Night trains.

This mode of transport is one of my favourite. If you try to cover long distances, planes are usually the best, given how quickly a flight gets you from place to place. Since planes are not really my cup of tea, instead of wasting a day travelling on train, I hop onto a night train, get myself comfy on my sleeping place, and before I know it I reach my destination the next morning.

There are downsides to such travelling of course. For instance, sometimes it’s difficult to get to sleep on a train, even if you can lie down. You wouldn’t have thought that a piece of steel can make so many different noises. And move in so many directions! When I was little I used to sleep like a log on our long holiday train rides to the seaside. Now it becomes progressively worse, and I wake up multiple times during the night. There is also a problem of co-travellers. This is not always a problem, but admittedly sharing a small space with a bunch of strangers doesn’t count among most pleasant parts of the journey. Especially when you have to deal with snoring, whining children and the like. And earplugs don’t always do the job. Finally, travelling by train remains a costly pleasure. Even bought in advance, long-distance night trains will cost you around €50 one way in a couchette carriage for six. And prices go up if you want more privacy or even your own toilette or a shower. There's also the problem of delays. On my inbound journey we had a delay of over 3 hours which we spent in Emmerich (again! there some sort of train Bermuda triangle there) waiting for our power supply to get repaired. Not ideal really when you cannot wait to get home.

I know for some this remains a mystery: why would you spend so much money on a 10h long journey while you could have taken an 1.5h long flight for 20 pound both ways? But there's something special about train travel. You feel that you travel when you're on a train more than when you fly. And you stay on the ground. This is a major advantage.

Are you going back?

I often get asked whether I plan to go back to Poland and my answers started in the past with 'yes, of course', then changed into 'maybe, I'd like to at some point', and gradually evolved into 'no, thank you.'

During those five years I've lost any sense of guilt about my alleged lack of patriotism. I simply don't want to go back to Poland. Recently I had a conversation that really encapsulated the reason why I, and many Polish expats around the world, don't want to come back. It's not so much about the money. Admittedly, you can earn more in the UK or Germany than in Poland. But what is more important is that in Poland you feel like the government is against you as a citizen all the time. And this is extremely discouraging. Imaging going to any governmental office, knowing for a fact that people sitting behind the desk don't want to help you, but want to make your life as difficult as possible. I'm so worked up now, that when I need to get in touch with any governmental offices, I look up the relevant piece of legislation to make sure my case is dealt with fairly and according to the law. It might seem paranoid, but if you don't know your rights you have none. It's sad, but this is how I see it.

After a right-wing candidate won presidential elections, those who voted for him were called stupid, and those on the losing side instantly declared that they would leave the country. I felt offended as a citizen, because for one thing, the president is supposed to represent the entire nation, and secondly, you shouldn't question somebody's mental abilities according to whether he agrees with you or not. Democracy works as it works, and you need to deal with it.

So I'm not coming back any time soon. Unless things change. And they might, because, as this election showed, people are ready to make unexpected and brave choices. In the mean time, I'll keep voting for people who might do something good for Poland.

Too much work. Or too little?

I was repeatedly told that I would have no work during my year abroad. However I was actually kept pretty busy for at least a good chunk of my time in Leiden. And it's only today that I've realised why.

It's not so much that Oxford's workload is so heavy that compared to it my year abroad workload is nothing. At the end of the day across this year I managed to do 11 courses, for all of which I had to read textbooks, cases, articles, write an odd assignment, and pass an exam at the end.

The real issue here is that Oxford workload is crammed into three eight-week long terms and here there are two semesters spanning over eight-nine months. So there's simply more time and the work can be distributed. This year, instead of panicking if I can get through all the assigned reading AND produce some sensible work, I could just plan ahead giving myself enough time for each task, not rushing through it. I simply don't have this comfort at Oxford at all. I need to meet all the deadlines, rush through excessive reading lists and somehow fit in attending lectures and tutorials around all this work. It's no fun quite frankly.

This has probably been the best part of my year abroad. Having time to do work. And other things beside it. I'll miss it in October for sure.