5 love languages.

I don't often read relationship advice. I learn as I go along. But 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman was recommended on one of the YouTube channels I follow as a perfect book for marriage preparation and I thought that it would be good to get a head start in order to improve my relationship before we get engaged and think about the wedding.

I must say that this is one of very few books that I've read which truly made different to the way I live.

The premise is simple. There are five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Each of us have a preference in terms of how we want others to show us that they love us, Chapman calls is our primary love language. My love language is acts of service. I'm not bothered with gifts at all, I appreciate when somebody picked something specifically for me and I am really grateful for it, but I could go on without gifts for a long time. On the other hand, I really feel loved when somebody makes me a cup of tea, or hoovers the house, or unloads the dishwasher. Now I also understand why Mr Magic constantly wants to travel or do some activities. In the past it drove me mad, because I like staying at home, watching a movie or reading a book, but his primary love language is quality time and he wants us to do things. Now I am much more understanding and I am consciously making effort to find things for us to do. Some of these might be out and about (fermenting class anyone?), some at home (like playing games). Whatever it is, I know that Mr Magic wants to have my undivided attention while doing some sort of activity.

I would say that getting this insight made a massive difference to my relationship. I understand Mr Magic better. He understands me better. We are more intentional about how we spend our time and have some solid ideas about how to express love. As an addition to finding out about our love languages, we also listed 30 things that make us know that we are loved. It was a great exercise to show how much we appreciate little things we do for each other and what makes us smile on daily basis.

If you are still planning Valentine's Day, think about your loved one's love language. Depending on what it is, they will be most pleased with different things. Roses and chocolates might be best if their love language is receiving gifts, but if it is quality time, what about a dinner date followed by a walk? And remember to keep your love tank full all your round, not only on February 14th.

Not as easy as it seems.

It must be so hard!

Don't worry, he's moving back soon.

I wouldn't be able to do this...

These are probably three most common comments I got last year when people found out that I was in a long distance relationship. The time when Mr Magic will finally be within a commutable distance was presented to me as this absolutely fantastic time when finally everything will be in order.

And I am extremely thankful that he is close by now. But the past few months were not a fairy tale that everybody promised. We had many wonderful moments and grew closer together, but there were some hard times, particularly for me.

You see, I lived on my own for over a year, I was the master of all my time, I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. This worked for as long as we were on two different continents. But it doesn't work when you are 90 miles away and can actually visit each other at the weekends. I struggle with this, because I have my routines that never involved Mr Magic, they didn't need to. But now they do and it is a struggle for me. I like my independent life, but my selfishness stands in the way of us developing a more fulfilling relationship. I guess loving another person means giving up a little of your independence, maybe even a lot of it. I didn't anticipate it. I expected romantic dinners, long intimate conversations and I got a lot of those. But I've also got many more challenges.

It takes time to work things out. And new problem emerge that were not apparent when we could only Skype in the evening. How do you spend all this time together now? How do you communicate that you need some space for yourself? What do you do with annoying habits of your special other?

The relationship changes so much when you close the distance and I wish I was more prepared for it all. I didn't anticipate the struggles at all. Maybe it's partially because the media often sell us an idea of relationships as a series of romantic trips, candlelight dinners and doing everything together. But actually, relationships are proper hard work. Being with another person is hard. Totally worth it, but it requires commitment and openness to let a part of you go to make room for the one you love.

I feel that six months on I am getting into a flow of being close distance. But to all of you out there doing long distance, you know it's hard already, but once you are together it will also be hard. It's just being in a relationship for you.

LDR.

My advice on long distance relationships, having lived through one for over a year?

Don't do it.

It will hurt like hell. I've been through some pretty dramatic breakups, when my heart was broken so badly that it physically hurt. And then I was in a long distance relationship with the most wonderful man for a year and there were many moments when it hurt more than in those darkest breakup times.

On the other hand,

long distance relationships are so easy in many ways.

Because being in close proximity means that all the little things creep out of you. You need to be truly patient, considerate, ready to compromise. When you only see your other half every so often, you are so excited, head over heels,  that you don't notice the not so pretty bits of yourself and the other person. If you meet a few times a year, you live in a state of lovely ecstatic longing. It's good, it's beautiful and is so much needed when you're away from each other, but real everyday life is so much more difficult even than the greatest distance.

Any sort of relationship is a difficult one, because it is a collision of two distinct beings with their own dreams, habits and peculiarities. But being regularly or constantly together is a challenge, because there is no escape from everything that divides you. Maybe this is why so many marriages fail, because people are not ready for the hard work of making it work.

Being with other people is difficult enough, being with a person who is inches away in terms of physical and emotional distance is hundredfold harder. And of course it is 100% worth every effort to see this most beautiful face first thing in the morning, to reflect this most beautiful smile, to ever wonder where this unfailing love comes from. But it's not all butterflies.

And really, why should it? Everything that is actually worthwhile is costly. It will cost you time, effort, emotions. But just consider what life would be like without all these things you consider important. It would be all crying and grinding of teeth.

Number game.

So apparently I'm in the list position when it comes to dating. The numbers are simply against me. At least according to this article here: http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/nov/10/dating-gap-hook-up-culture-female-graduates

Would I date someone without a degree? I admittedly shivered at this thought at first, and I feel really bad about it, but actually, after thinking it through, it's not a degree that I'm really after.

My experience so far ranges from a guy who terribly struggled at school, and I'm not really sure where you got with his education by now to a guys reading for fantastic degrees, but showing varying interests in them, and different variations on the theme in between. And all of these relationships have left me with some unsatisfied need. It had nothing to do with their education. Being at Oxford, I have plenty of young and educated men here (sometimes even attractive!) and I'm not really that keen on dating any of them. There's nothing wrong with these guy's (or, me, hopefully, for that matter). It's just that they're all sort of the same. And they have the same idea about the future: get a good class degree and find a well-paid job in the City. There's nothing wrong with having a job in the city either, but I expect something... I don't know, less boring? More crazy? Of a sort of 'let's move to the Isle of Wight and start a pug farm!'

Intelligence doesn't necessarily follow a degree, and vice versa. And it's intelligence that I expect in my other half. And passion. For anything. But some sort of passion, that will make his heart race, that will make him want to get out of bed in the morning. And this is actually quite difficult to find these days, because people are somewhat indifferent and missing interest in anything worthwhile. And here the numbers are definitely more against me.

Maybe, since the numbers are against me anyway, I should just move to the Isle of Wight on my own and start the pug farm?

Or maybe I'll just prove statistics wrong.