What you should know about migraine

if you don't suffer from it.

I've been suffering from migraines for over 10 years. If you are lucky enough never to have had one, don't ask me what it feels like. You really don't want to know. It's such a terrible pain.

Having migraines makes me frustrated for two reasons. Firstly, they completely wreck my life on the days when I get an attack. Secondly, people who are not migraine sufferers, or who do not have a loved one who is a migraine sufferer really don't get it most of the time.

I like making plans and being organised. Migraines make planning even more complex, sometimes nearly impossible. I need to think about where I will get water from to keep hydrated throughout the day, about the food I will eat (the least processed I can get, not always easy on the go), how I will travel if I am unable able to drive home, I have to come up with cover lesson contingency plans if I am poorly in the morning and can't get to work. And even if I take all precautions in the world, a migraine can still hit me. For no apparent reason whatsoever.

I hate cancelling plans and calling in sick. If I could have one wish, it would be to get rid of the migraines. I can deal with all sorts of inconveniences and difficulties in my life, but I would really like migraines to finally go. For ever. There is nothing fun in throwing up, getting pins and needles, visual disturbances and finding it barely possible to move around the house.

And even when the attack is over, you get a migraine hangover. And even next day I find it difficult to focus, I'm tired and feel as if a dog chewed me up and spat out into a cold puddle. 

People who are nor migraines sufferers annoy me when they try to give me advice about how to prevent or manage my migraines or when they clearly think that I'm faking it. I've been really lucky in my workplace that my managers understand the drama of having migraines and Mr Magic has also proved to be brilliant at helping me deal with migraines. But not everybody is so lucky. 

We need to educate people about migraine. It's a neurological disorder with debilitating symptoms, but no known cure. Many people are undiagnosed or not treated properly by their doctors. Migraine affects the quality of life so massively that more awareness might make all the difference to people who struggle.

Making peace with my body.

My body will not be beach ready this year.

I don't actually think it will ever be.

Firstly, I don't like sitting on the beach. I don't like the sand, it's usually uncomfortable, too hot and generally it's a rather unpleasant experience for me.

Secondly, I was walking down the seafront the other day, looking at ladies in bikinis and I looked down at my legs thinking 'Gosh, I need to sort it out'. Followed immediately by 'What are you on about, Kat?!'

I don't want to think about my body in this way. I don't want to feel insufficient, imperfect, not good enough. I have so much pressure on me coming from different directions that I definitely do not need it to come from within my head as well.

I'm actually quite happy with my body. It does have a few cm extra here and there, but I don't need the pressure of trying to squeeze into size 34 (those shorts have been donated now, thankfully). I have a rather utilitarian attitude towards my body. It needs to do its job. That's all I'm expecting. Carry em through my life without any major problems. Anything else is a helpful extra.

I will continue my evening light aerobic exercises (aka walking) not to control my weight, but to feel better physically and mentally. It's a good way of looking after my heart and my back. I might occasionally turn up at a fitness class, but not with a view of losing a couple of pounds. I simply enjoy jumping around and this is my opportunity to stop thinking about any worries: all my brainpower is engaged in trying to coordinate my legs and arms. Really all I care about is to keep healthy so that my body can serve me well for years to come.

Ahoy!

Not as easy as it seems.

It must be so hard!

Don't worry, he's moving back soon.

I wouldn't be able to do this...

These are probably three most common comments I got last year when people found out that I was in a long distance relationship. The time when Mr Magic will finally be within a commutable distance was presented to me as this absolutely fantastic time when finally everything will be in order.

And I am extremely thankful that he is close by now. But the past few months were not a fairy tale that everybody promised. We had many wonderful moments and grew closer together, but there were some hard times, particularly for me.

You see, I lived on my own for over a year, I was the master of all my time, I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. This worked for as long as we were on two different continents. But it doesn't work when you are 90 miles away and can actually visit each other at the weekends. I struggle with this, because I have my routines that never involved Mr Magic, they didn't need to. But now they do and it is a struggle for me. I like my independent life, but my selfishness stands in the way of us developing a more fulfilling relationship. I guess loving another person means giving up a little of your independence, maybe even a lot of it. I didn't anticipate it. I expected romantic dinners, long intimate conversations and I got a lot of those. But I've also got many more challenges.

It takes time to work things out. And new problem emerge that were not apparent when we could only Skype in the evening. How do you spend all this time together now? How do you communicate that you need some space for yourself? What do you do with annoying habits of your special other?

The relationship changes so much when you close the distance and I wish I was more prepared for it all. I didn't anticipate the struggles at all. Maybe it's partially because the media often sell us an idea of relationships as a series of romantic trips, candlelight dinners and doing everything together. But actually, relationships are proper hard work. Being with another person is hard. Totally worth it, but it requires commitment and openness to let a part of you go to make room for the one you love.

I feel that six months on I am getting into a flow of being close distance. But to all of you out there doing long distance, you know it's hard already, but once you are together it will also be hard. It's just being in a relationship for you.

Sunday Special: Out of hiding.

I love this scene from the book of Genesis. Adam and Eve have just eaten the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. They hide from God. And when asked what happened, Adam blames Eve, Eve blames the serpent. Neither of these two is ready to acknowledge their guilt. Somebody else is to blame.

Isn't that a story of our lives? So often I do something utterly stupid, something that I most definitely chose to do, and instead of just acknowledging my guilt, I can find a thousand ways of explaining why this has happened, often finding another person to blame. And on a top of that, fully aware of the insufficiency of my explanations, I hide from God. Deep down I know I messed up, so I stop praying, feeling so unworthy of coming to Him. Like Adam and Even, hiding from God in the garden.

Where are you? asks God. Every single time He wants to find me. He reaches out to me so that I can come out of hiding with a heart ready to repent and change. God wants us to be in the light of his presence.

Lord knows everything, sees everything and knows that we will fail Him because of our weak nature. But Jesus still chose the cross. He chose to redeem us, because His love is greater than any sin. It's a source of constant consolation for me that God's chosen people, like David or St Peter, where far form the ideal of holiness and yet they came out of their hiding. They faced God fully aware of their insufficiency and received an abundance of grace.

I guess my message, that has touched me so profoundly today, is to stand in front of God and lay your life before Him. It doesn't matter that it's messy, He will take it and heal it. But you need to get out of the place you are hiding in.

Books, books, books!

I've just had a week off for half term and I made most of it by reading LOADS. Even though I try to read every day, sometimes it's hard to dedicate as much time as I would like to reading. But over this half term I could just sit on my little sofa, sip delicious tea and enjoy whatever book I was reading at the time.

As a side note, I've started reading a few books at the time, which is not what I did in the past. I used to be quite particular about reading just one book at the time (and finishing all books I've started: stupid, stupid, stupid), but I've realised there is no need for that. Especially that sometimes I feel like reading a novel, sometimes a spiritual book, sometimes nonfiction, so it's good to have a few in store.

Anywya, here are a few books that I've read recently or I am reading at the moment and I would really recommend.

The Great Cat Massacre. A History of Britain in 100 Mistakes by Gareth Rubin

I've picked it up at my local library from the history section last week as a sort of random choice of a book with a fairly interesting title and it only took me a few days to read it. It was so much fun. The author goes back a thousand years  and writes about mistakes, misunderstanding and simple human stupidity that made the world that we know.

Bad Choices: How Algorithms Can Help You Think Smarter and Live Happier by Ali Almossawi

No picture for this one, but it was so interesting, especially that some of the algorithms discussed in the book were the same algorithms that I have taught earlier this year. The benefits of reading Bad Choices also include considerably shortening the time taken to do my shopping (improved my rather haphazard system of navigating the aisles). This is a short book for geeks and geeks to be.

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy

I must say that this one is not for fainthearted. It's probably my second month reading the book and, despite lengthy descriptions of military matters, I'm thoroughly enjoying it. Tolstoy describes the adventures and emotions of his characters so beautifully, that it is hard not to feel that they are real people, your friends even. I don't say such things often about a book. But with War and Peace having over 900 pages, you really do get to know the characters. I'm really fond of princess Mary and Andrew, these are probably my two favourite characters.

Queens of the Conquest. England's medieval Queens by Alison Weir

Staying within a historical theme, this is the book I've started reading most recently, again quite a substantial piece of literature (300 odd pages). I really enjoy reading about history and I don't know that much about the English history beyond the Elizabethan period, so this is really interesting. Importantly, it doesn't read like a textbook, rather almost as a novel, with rich details about the life in the medieval period.

Sunday Special: Justice before morality.

We, Catholics, are better instructed in the matters of morality than in the matters of justice.

This is what I heard from a Benedictine monk during my last confession. How true and going straight through my heart.

By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. 

(John 13:35)

Jesus criticised the pharisees for too much concern with the rules. He said that his followers will be known for their love for one another. We are all sinners and the adherence to the law is probably not the best measure of our strife for holiness. But our attitudes towards others speak about our faith more than anything. The way we live and interact with the world is the way we witness our faith.

Can you truly say that you follow Jesus if you go to Mass each Sunday, yet turn your head round when you pass by a homeless person?

Can you truly say that you follow Jesus if you dutifully give an offering each Sunday, but do not take interest in you neighbours or colleagues?

Can you truly say that you follow Jesus if you say your prayers each day, yet waste food and water each week?

Can you truly say that you follow Jesus if you apparently follow the Ten Commandments, but you don't work honestly for your employer and the people you serve?

Catholic social teaching is called the Church's "best kept secret". But it shouldn't be- it should be a part of our lives. Pope Francis is tirelessly reminding us about justice that can bring about a better world. The morality is important, but people come first. 

“Jesus tells us what the ‘protocol’ is, on which we will be judged. It is the one we read in chapter 25 of Matthew’s Gospel: I was hungry, I was thirsty, I was in prison, I was sick, I was naked and you helped me, clothed me, visited me, took care of me. Whenever we do this to one of our brothers, we do this to Jesus. Caring for our neighbor; for those who are poor, who suffer in body and in soul, for those who are in need. This is the touchstone.”

From Papa Francesco: Questa economia uccide (Pope Francis: This economy kills)by Andrea Tornielli and Giacomo Galeazzivia

Do you bring justice to the world around you? Or maybe you are preoccupied with morality?

~~~

A little side note that has been brought to my attention this Sunday. From Pope Benedict XVI, encyclical Deus caritas est (2005):

14 “Worship” itself, Eucharistic communion, includes the reality both of being loved and of loving others in turn. A Eucharist which does not pass over into the concrete practice of love is intrinsically fragmented. Conversely, as we shall have to consider in greater detail below, the “commandment” of love is only possible because it is more than a requirement. Love can be “commanded” because it has first been given.

28 The Church cannot and must not take upon herself the political battle to bring about the most just society possible. She cannot and must not replace the State. Yet at the same time she cannot and must not remain on the sidelines in the fight for justice. She has to play her part through rational argument and she has to reawaken the spiritual energy without which justice, which always demands sacrifice, cannot prevail and prosper. A just society must be the achievement of politics, not of the Church. Yet the promotion of justice through efforts to bring about openness of mind and will to the demands of the common good is something which concerns the Church deeply.