Out of place?

My mum once asked me whether I felt out of place in Poland. And, increasingly, I feel like I do.

There are certain things I've got so used to having within my reach and it's difficult when these are taken away from me, even for two weeks. In Poland there are plenty of things that I cannot so easily get, whereas I can find them everywhere in the UK.

Like caffeine-free tea and coffee. It's just not a thing here. Natural and organic cosmetics cannot be so easily found there either. Hummus! Reasonably priced hummus. And all other strange things I consume in insane qualities. Saying good morning to strangers on the street. Being exceptionally kind.

But it's not only groceries and social norms, it's also the language. I think in English, write in English, even pray in English (though this is slightly more complicated, I swiftly move between the two languages in my prayer). Controversially,  when I want to speak from the heart, I will default to English. And it's the culture. I got used to orderly queues, overt politeness, compulsive apologising and weather conversations.

England became home. Though not quite. It's complicated. I wish I had a place where I could say that I truly belong. England is fantastic, but it's more like a foster home. Poland became alien and incomprehensible. And so I feel out of place in Poland, and sometimes also here. It's a strange feeling.

I might actually have started idealising England. I might have. But I've spent my entire adult life there so far. My hopes and dreams originated and were fulfilled here. Here I was loved. Here I'm constantly getting happier.

It's my place, and everywhere else I feel out of place.

This special time of the year.

This Christmas I wish us all to be able to slow down. To be in the moment and really appreciate the beauty of each day given to us.

May we judge less and love more. May we be less concerned with what others think and more mindful of what we really want. May be know what is  truly important, and let go of the unimportant. May we always have a smile for a stranger. May we be kinder to each other. May we bring love to places where there is hate, hope to those who despair, and faith to the doubting.

May this Christmas be calm and bright, like in the carol.

Sunday Special comes late: The desert shall blossom.

This is the outcome of the retreat I attended last weekend. I consider it an incredible blessing that I was able to spend some time with other Christians and just be there without any other responsibility. No excuses, no maybe laters.

I've signed up for it, because I felt like I need to do something holy this Advent. My religious life hasn't been in the best shape recently, so I needed something to give me a little nudge.

The thing that I didn't know, was that the retreat was silent.

Well, that was unexpected.

I'm an introvert, so what's the problem, you ask? Well, being silent in the evening after a busy day in school is one thing. Being silent for pretty much whole day is another.

There was a reflection first, which gave me a fair amount of food for thought, but after half an hour of sitting in the chapel quietly my mind started drifting off to all sorts of places.

It was time for a change, so off I went to the barn, where I could use arts and crafts in prayer. Hence the drawing with the quote from Isaiah 35.

Then, I've decided to go for a walk in the surrounding, since  sitting quietly in one place was just too much to take. At least now I had some background sound of birds and passing cars. A considerable improvement.

Thankfully, they gave us a choice at lunch whether we wanted to have a conversation over the meal or would rather remain silent. Apparently previous retreats had normal lunch where you could just talk, but people found it hard to come back to silence in the afternoon, hence the choice this time.

It was actually such a relief to be able to speak to another human being! I wouldn't have thought that I would ever say it, but it was lovely to hear another person's voice.

Thankfully, a young sister living with this community arrived by then and she suggested a walk around the castle and sharing time. I then realised how much I miss talking about religion, talking about the love of God and just being around people who have the same Christian vocabulary. It is such a powerful moment: when a bunch of strangers from all walks of live and of different ages, who in normal circumstances wouldn't have anything in common, comes together and shares what binds them together: faith.

Am I happy that I went on this retreat? Very much so. Was it a challenge? Definitely. But I finally had time to pray and hopefully will keep it up now. I have so many little moments during the day which could be devoted to prayer and I'm desperate to make most of them. Because only then the desert will blossom.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

I love giving presents! This is one of the most enjoyable parts of Christmas.

This year I actually feel on the top of things, since I've got presents for pretty much everyone now, and it's still two weeks until Christmas. It means that I can dedicate this fortnight to planning food preparation, outfits and New Year's Eve trip. It will be busy at home just before Christmas, especially that I only come back for a short while and need to get so much done! 

I have a stack of little things for Mr Magic in the corner of my room and I simply can't wait to give them all to him. I can barely contain myself and it's so hard not to tell him what it is I got for him!

In the meantime I need to content myself with wrapping presents and sticking bows on them.

Other Christmas updates:

Our house house has gained a Christmas spirit last week, with a Christmas tree being finally put up, after almost a week of obstructing the way through the living room.

I really like it, because it looks almost classy (despite the plastic baubles) . Unlike this restaurant in London. Mind, the picture was taken in mid-November.

Mince meat is safely stored in the suitcase, ready to be taken back home.  It's probably the only English Christmas tradition that I'm willing to export to Poland. Because mince pies are delicious.

Christmas tea towels and slippers have been taken out of the cupboard and are given a new life this year. It's probably a little tacky, but who cares when you can have a set of home accessories with reindeers and snowflakes.