Out of place?

My mum once asked me whether I felt out of place in Poland. And, increasingly, I feel like I do.

There are certain things I've got so used to having within my reach and it's difficult when these are taken away from me, even for two weeks. In Poland there are plenty of things that I cannot so easily get, whereas I can find them everywhere in the UK.

Like caffeine-free tea and coffee. It's just not a thing here. Natural and organic cosmetics cannot be so easily found there either. Hummus! Reasonably priced hummus. And all other strange things I consume in insane qualities. Saying good morning to strangers on the street. Being exceptionally kind.

But it's not only groceries and social norms, it's also the language. I think in English, write in English, even pray in English (though this is slightly more complicated, I swiftly move between the two languages in my prayer). Controversially,  when I want to speak from the heart, I will default to English. And it's the culture. I got used to orderly queues, overt politeness, compulsive apologising and weather conversations.

England became home. Though not quite. It's complicated. I wish I had a place where I could say that I truly belong. England is fantastic, but it's more like a foster home. Poland became alien and incomprehensible. And so I feel out of place in Poland, and sometimes also here. It's a strange feeling.

I might actually have started idealising England. I might have. But I've spent my entire adult life there so far. My hopes and dreams originated and were fulfilled here. Here I was loved. Here I'm constantly getting happier.

It's my place, and everywhere else I feel out of place.