Sunday Special: Convenient time and place.

Rising very early before dawn, he left and went off to a deserted place, where he prayed.

I love this passage from the Gospel of Mark (1:35). After a series of healings, Jesus gets up in the middle of the night, goes off somewhere and prays.

Nobody noticed he was gone at the time, so I'm assuming that he could have stayed where he was and pray there. And yet Jesus decided to sacrifice his sleep and ensure that no one disturbed him. He wanted to spend high quality time with the Father.

How different this attitude is from my own attitude to prayer. So often I want prayer to be convenient. Squeeze it between afternoon tea and replying to emails. Do it while driving for 30 minutes so that I can get on with work when I'm at my destination. Pop into church on my way from grocery shopping to the petrol station. Say the rosary while doing my hated washing up.

Waking up half an hour earlier to get some quality prayer time? Going out of my way to find a place for prayer? No such thing happening in my life.

It makes me feel uncomfortable at this lack of prioritisation of prayer. I have a sort of prayer routine, but it is built around my day. I hardly ever think about prayer before scheduling other activities. It's an add on, rather than the focus. And I read this Gospel passage from Mark and I am ashamed. Ashamed by my poor prioritising, inattentive prayers, missed opportunities to be with the Lord. I am ashamed that so often I treat prayer as a matter of convenience rather than an act of love.

I imagine Jesus waking up, drawn to the Father out of his sleep. I imagine Jesus kneeling down and stretching his arms up to heaven. And I pray, Jesus, help me to put you at the centre of it all. Help me to organise my life around you. Because it's so so worth it: only in you I have life.

The pressure to be sociable.

I am probably one of the least sociable people around. 

I dislike small talk. I will always pick reading a book over going for a meal out. I hate being in a large group of people, be it at a party, at a concert or anywhere else. I find loud places utterly unpleasant. I cannot follow the lives of a more than about three to five people at a time. Meeting new people is extremely stressful to me. And I've been both blessed and cursed wit hypersensitivity to social ques, which makes interactions with other people really tiring.  

Over the last couple of years I have learnt not to apologise for or explain my unwillingness to engage in social activities. If I don't like it, I won't go, simple as that. It might come across as rude at times, because I will blatantly say that I am not interested in joining this or that event, but this is only because I highly value my mental health and personal comfort. There is no need to drag yourself through something because a) everybody does it; b) it is somehow expected from you or c) because your absence will upset or angry somebody. I've learnt that unless I am actually happy enough with the idea of spending considerable amount of time with other people, it's best not to bother. Many people don't seem to get it; they say 'You're young, you should be going out, having fun, meeting new friends'. And I'd much rather cuddle up in my bed with a mug of hot tea and a good book. Or play the piano. Or colour in one of my icons. Or go for a walk by the sea. Anything but 'going out' and 'having fun'.

Having said all this, I actually really like people, honest! My work involves being with people virtually all the time and I don't mind that, I actually really enjoy this aspect of being a teacher, but there is a clearly defined purpose of our interactions. When I go for lunch with my best friend, we do this to catch up and bond. I like social interactions to have a purpose. Just hanging out with people at parties for the sake of it simply doesn't cut it. It's loud, you cannot talk, most people are intoxicated anyway. Unpleasant to say the least.

The truth is, I only really enjoy one to one catch ups, occasionally a group of maybe up to 5. This is then not overwhelming emotionally. I can give my full undivided attention to whomever I am talking to. It is quality time when relationships can be strengthened, when I can find something new out about the other person. I am only interested in meaningful interactions. Life is too short to have loads of fleeting social exchanges.