A spoonful of adult life

I guess the last week has been the closest that I can get to adult life during my studies.

I was thrown into the jaws of the City and here am I, a week on, still kicking!

It's been such a good week. I've met some lovely people, started work that has made my studies more purposeful than ever before and has thoroughly enjoyed myself. I've made some reg report updates, translated bits of legislation and explanatory documents, started a massive project and tried to understand how virtual money work.

Gambling regulations turned out to be quite a gripping area of law. And very very complex. I like complex things. They make me think intensely. And even though it's been only a week, I feel like I've learnt so much - it's usually the case if you have to dig deep down and find out things for yourself: it simply stays with you afterwards.

There's been some things that I had to get used to. Like being in the office from 10 am until 5 pm. I think I'm a type of a person you would really benefit from flexible working hours. Though after 5 days it's slightly better, especially with tea or coffee at the desk. Another things is weekends. During term time I'm in a never ending loop of work. Now it's Monday-Friday, weekends free, maybe apart from revision and writing a juris essay, but this takes only a small proportion of the time. And Tube. I used to be terribly scared of it. Terribly. Now it's just fine. I figured out best times to travel, know the corridors and feel fairly confident about the network of Tube lines.

After a week I understand why people are attracted to this place. London has some sort of... I don't really know how to describe it. It's vibrant. And alive. Like a beating heart.

Sunday Special: On fire

Today is Pentecost, so I thought an appropriate topic would be to have a quick look at the Holy Spirit. I'm not a theologian, but I do have my own experiences. Having said that, every Christian is to some extent a theologian, because we all receive the grace of getting to know the Lord.

I must say that it wasn't until about a year ago or so when I started being interested in the Holy Spirit. It somehow seems to be a largely forgotten Person of the Trinity. You make plenty of references to God the Father. Jesus was in this world, crucifixes are in every church and then when the Eucharist is celebrated, it is Jesus in His fullness. But Holy Spirit is rarely referred to. The sign of the cross is one occasion. And then the Spirit is invoked at the consecration. But this is hugely it.

What I guess I found rather hard is to imagine the Holy Spirit. Jesus is so obvious to imagine, God the Father can be simplified to a figure of an old man sitting on a throne, but the Holy Spirit is a bit of a mystery. He appears as a dove when Jesus is baptised. And then as tongues of fire on the Pentecost. But how do you pray to such a creature?

I've come to realise that the Holy Spirit is everywhere and I simply cannot grasp Him with my imagination. But there is an increadible power in that. And there is an increadible power in the Holy Spirit. The Spirit hovered over the chaos of the universe before the creation. This is a wonderful image. There's nothing around, only darkness, but you can feel the Spirit all around you, blowing back and forth like a storm. He made everything new back then. And still continue to make everything new today. It sometimes seems that we've forgotten the power of the Holy Spirit. But Jesus said: "I shall ask the Father, and he will give you another Paraclete to be with you for ever,the Spirit of truth whom the world can never accept since it neither sees nor knows him; but you know him, because he is with you, he is in you.I shall not leave you orphans; I shall come to you." (John 14:16-18) and "I have said these things to you while still with you; but the Paraclete, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you everything and remind you of all I have said to you." (John 14:25-26) 

The Holy Spirit works in this world constantly. The only thing is to open to this power. Power that is overwhelming and very gentle at the same time. Power that sets you on fire, but still lets you be who you are.

Prayer for the Help of the Holy Spirit

O God, send forth your Holy Spirit into my heart that I may perceive, into my mind that I may remember, and into my soul that I may meditate. Inspire me to speak with piety, holiness, tenderness and mercy. Teach, guide and direct my thoughts and senses from beginning to end. May your grace ever help and correct me, and may I be strengthened now with wisdom from on high, for the sake of your infinite mercy. Amen.

(Saint Anthony of Padua)

Why it takes me so long to write an essay...

... And why it's alright.

Quite frankly it takes me ages to write an essay. And this is why.

When I finally get through the pile of weekly reading, I embark upon the process of making an essay plan. This is not an easy process. First you have to understand the question. Then you generate more related questions. Halfway through, I'm already lost. After a day I regain my independence and recommence writing the plan. It's fantastic- intelligent, the problem is taken from a completely different angle and with some witty comments.

But to simply start writing the essay at this point would be too easy. Tea needs to be drunk. Friends visited. Oh, and I might reply to all these emails that are fairly urgent, yet remain flagged in my inbox.

Then someone pops in. We eat chocolate, chat about how much work we are yet to do and another hour or so is gone. It's midnight already. I rush to my laptop and fervently type another 200 words or so. Then the tiredness hits my and thus the fervour of typing goes considerably down. But I carry on. Make another cup of tea. And another. I eat some more chocolate and feel guilty, so do 100 crunches 1300 words into my essay. After exercise my brain decides to perform some of its functions for another half an hour or so, so I continue to write.

Around 1:30 am or 2 am I'm finally done. The conclusion of the essay makes little sense if any, but at this time in the morning the only thing that I can care about is to take a shower and crawl under my duvet.

Thankfully this appalling working pattern does not repeat itself week after week. Most of the weeks I'm just fine, sleeping properly etc. But sometimes something gets terribly wrong. But at the end of the day, I get my work done, more or less on time. And so I learn to be gently with myself. I don't need to be the first one to submit my essay. I may even be the last one, it's fine. As long as I do what I'm supposed to do, I'm fine. This is quite a comforting thought.

Love your body

I've written a post about caring about my body in the context of Christianity, but I would like to briefly return to this topic following a wonderful discussion we've had last night at women's group meeting. We have more people than I've anticipated and I'm so glad that it went so well. So here are a few strands of thought from yesterday.

1. One of the girls coming to the meetings is a medic. She said something that really struck me. She said that by being train to be a doctor, and later being an actual doctor, you get to touch human bodies in completely asexual way. Our bodies gives us this incredible opportunity to feel things and other human bodies, but when we think about 'touching', it usually has some sex-connotations of one sort or another. I thought that this was the major flaw in our society. We look on our bodies as sexual objects. I myself so often end up being occupied with whether I look good in this or that dress, whether my cheeks are rosy enough, whether these shoes help my legs look longer and whether this top is not revealing too much. Everything spins around the idea of attractiveness and 'sexy'. But I don't really think much about my body as simply 'my body.' As this extraordinary device that makes it possible for me to go through life and do all these incredible things.I don't need to waste time putting makeup on, dressing  up, doing my hair, etc, because this is not what my body is for. I can do so much more useful things with it.

2. Sometimes I would like to do something physical, like run a marathon or go climbing, or something of that sort. But my body does not want to do what my mind wants it to do. It gets sore after even minor physical activity. Or is just to tired. Anyway my mind does not seem to match my body. But maybe the problem is that mind cannot dominate body. Mind and body are one, and body cannot be suppressed by what is going on in my head. Body enables me to carry out the intentions of the mind, but what use would mind have without the body? I've come to realise how important the balance between the two is a couple of months ago when severe headaches started to interfere with my studies. The doctor only told me to go swimming regularly. And guess what, it helped. Spending hours and hours studying led to neglecting the needs of my body and it was not happy about it at all. Now I can proclaim this truth - your mind is not an obstacle that prevents you from doing what you want. You need to listen to your body more: it knows what it's doing.

3. I've asked the girls to think about one word to describe their bodies. I was firstly glad that they haven't used words such as 'disgusting', 'ugly', 'could be improved' and so forth. But one of them said a word that I've also thought about when I was thinking about my body. This word was mine. My body is mine and this is as accurate a description as it can get. Bodies are so often subject to public criticism that it's so important to remember that ultimately they are ours, not anyone else's. Mine.

Yes, it was a fruitful discussion. I love how we come together and discuss what is important to us: young, attractive, ambitious women who really do want to make a difference. And you start making a difference by changing yourself - your attitudes and thinking. I've learnt so much from all these women coming to the meetings. I value myself much more and can appreciate others more as well.